Sunday, July 31, 2005

My Remedy: Newman's Own & Smart H2O

Not feeling too well today. Had a restless night. Must've been something I ate yesterday. May too many pieces of "lender's pizza and coke" or maybe that unidentified "left-over" in the frig. Haven't been able to stray too far away from the "porcelain throne" yet today.

Self- treatment is my first line of defense. Why not a "food remedy" for a "food disorder"? I must need more salt or sodium chloride after last night. How about some "Old Style Picture Show" Microwave Popcorn? This All Natural Newman's Own looks good. It even has its own legend from Col. P.L. "Pops" Newman, "I'll tell you how bad it is. Nobody gets trusted with popcorn - except me. That includes the F.B.I., the I.R.S., Tiffany's and concessionaires of any ilk. A good flick arrives on the local screen, you see ol' Newman scuttling across the lobby with a greasy brown paper bag of this homemade popcorn in one hand and - you guessed it - machete in the other. Who's who lists a lot of one-armed people in my hometown. They got caught trying to muscle their way into my greasy brown paper bag. The way I feel - they got off easy. They should be strung up." Now that's marketing!

Then I need to rehydrate today after approaching the "arid zone" last night. How about another, larger bottle of "Smart Water" I just bought? 33.8 Fl. Oz., 1 litre or 1 Qt. 1.8 oz. Expensive! Hmm...same guage on the side only longer. How pure is your body? Let's see, if I drink it down to here..."cells admit they have an impurity problem"...gulp..."cell seek intervention"...guzzle..."cells check into detox"...slurp..."cells get therapy for toxin withdrawal"...burp..."cells get released from rehab"...chug-a-lug..."cell are cleaner than a christian rock song"..."Cell-ebration!" Now that's imaginative marketing!

I feel better already...not enough to go back to work though. Got to rest up and study for my C.S.P. final exam. Yes, I'm a Certified teacher, might as well be a Certified Sales Professional. Then what everyone is saying will be true, "He's certified!" Bob


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